I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
