if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
