So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
