My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
