I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize