I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
