Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
