textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
All the doctor said was why
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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