he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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