I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
