I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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