Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
