i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
