Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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