my being single is dangerous.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
