Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
