I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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