Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
