What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
