While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
