You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i think i have two assholes
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
