Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
