He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
