I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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