My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
