it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
