my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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