Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
