Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
