I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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