i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just had sex bonerless
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
