as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
