"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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