if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
