I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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