just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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