Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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