I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
