I'd wear matching sweaters with you
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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