I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize