I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I understand Curling. That high.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
