i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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