Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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