I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
