I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
