I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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