If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
