I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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