Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
