I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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