I'm going to rape someone's good day.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
