ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i wish my penis had a tongue
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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