I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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