i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
