I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
