420 ftw
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
