69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
