don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
